Men Aren’t Simple

Recently on Twitter, @taralconley asked “Who out there feels the need to date someone who is as (or more than) financially, spiritually, and/or intellectually powerful as yourself?”  Disappointly, and not surprisingly, a number of men responded that all they need is what one man referred to as the “three goods: good looks, good sex, good cooking.”

This, of course, is utter and complete bullshit.

Many men are vested in the notion that men are simple.  This belief works to absolve them from responsibility for what goes wrong in relationships.  You want to make me happy, they say?  Just look good, feed me and fuck me.  Accordingly, if your man isn’t happy in your relationship, it’s all your fault.  His dissatisfaction is attributable to something you’re not doing, or not doing well enough.

It also helps him to make you wrong by comparison.  If your needs are complex, there’s something wrong with you.  You don’t have to do much to make him happy.  His needs are simple to satisfy.  Why should he have to work so hard to satisfy yours?

Sigh again.

Setting to one side the notion that any human being has the capacity to make another happy — topic for another blog post — I have never met a simple man in my life.  My father wasn’t simple.  My brothers aren’t simple.  My ex-husband remains one of the most complex people I have ever met.  If anyone ever figures out how to decode him, his needs and his behavior, they’ll deserve a Nobel Prize.

But we women often fall into the trap of trying to do just that, to decode the so-called “simple” man so we can figure out how to really meet his un-stated needs.  Spend enough time with a man, and you start to understand just how un-simple he really is.  Meet his family and his friends, and the ah-ha moments just keep flooding in.  You understand his insecurities, his faults, his strengths and his weaknesses.

In the process, we find ourselves blaming that girl he liked in 7th grade, his baby mama, his ex-wife, his messed-up sisters, and especially his mama for how he turned out. 

And in the meantime, he’s still free to chase after that gourmet chef with the perfect ass and a great head game, because there’s always going to be at least one of the three “goods” where you’re falling short.

It would be great if men stopped claiming to be simple creatures with simple needs.  It would be great, but I’m not waiting for it to happen.  I’m also not messing around anymore with any man who claims to be simple, or who claims his needs are.  It’s not a woman’s job to unpack a man’s psyche and uncover his issues.  That’s his job.

And if he’s not willing to do the work, then it’s on to the next one.