Too Thirsty to Drink, Too Hungry to Eat

This post is for all the women who find themselves back in the dating game after a hiatus for any reason.  Whether you’re divorced or just ended a long-term relationship, voluntarily took yourself out for self-imposed celibacy, to find yourself, or to focus on school/work/career/grinding – this is for you.

No matter how long it’s been, whether five months, five years, or somewhere in between – at some point, the desire to be desired will return.  It may have been easy to rebuff those advances while you were healing or working, but eventually, you will come to a point where you want to be wanted again.

That’s when you are the most vulnerable, and need to be the most careful.

When you’re in high school and the college recruiting brochures start flooding your inbox, you rarely apply to the first college you get material from.  The first college knows its chances of landing top recruits are slim.  It knows the Harvards and Yales will be recruiting you as well.  So the first college gets its material out to you early, hoping your own expectations are low enough to be lured in by a glossy brochure.

If you have your sights set high, you pretty much ignore those first brochures.  You smile at the pictures of the grassy, tree-lined campus.  You read the personal letter from the college president and wonder who wrote and signed it.

But you keep checking your mailbox for materials from your top 5 and top 10 schools.

We are not always as selective with men, especially after a long drought.

The first guy who comes along after a period of abstinence is like that first school.  He makes his move early, hoping to beat the others he knows must be waiting in line.  He expects to be rejected, and hopes you’ll at least be nice about it.

But often, we are so thirsty for attention, so hungry for admiration, and so full of sexual desire, we jump on him.

We take that call from that ex we’d ignore if we were already sated.  We swoon over a text from a clown we’d normally side eye.  We overlook things we’d never overlook under normal circumstances.

We start acting desperate.

As blogger @OneChele said in a recent post on her Black ‘n Bougie blog, men get suspicious of the rabbit that jumps into the pot and waits to be cooked.  They expected to work harder.  They now wonder what’s wrong with you, because you were too easy to catch.  And, emboldened by their success with you, they move on to the next conquest.

Meanwhile, there you are, all dazed and confused, broken of heart and spirit over a man you wouldn’t even want if your usual standards were in place.

Another thing we often fail to do when we’re too hungry or thirsty, is check the danger signs.  When a man starts telling you what’s wrong with him, listen.  “I’m easily distracted,” he says.  That means he’s still chasing other women.  If you’re not cool with that, run, Forrest, run!

I recently had a chat with a guy on Match.  He seemed nice enough, but over the course of a 20-minute chat convo, he threw up enough roadblocks to stop traffic on the NJ Turnpike.  First, his height – he’s short, and I indicated a preference for taller guys in my profile.  Then his profession (bus driver), sports affiliations (Mets)…on and on.  I told him during the chat that I would keep an open mind, but afterwards, my gut told me no.  This man spent the better part of 20 minutes telling me why I shouldn’t date him.  OK, dude, you win.  I’m convinced.  No soup for you.

It’s hard to resist eating the first greasy burger that comes along when you’re starving.  If you can have a few bites, enough to satisfy that hunger without making you sick, go ahead and indulge.  Just don’t try to turn every greasy burger into a boyfriend.  If you know you’d try to turn that morsel into a meal – decline.  Everyone will be better off.

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17 Responses to “Too Thirsty to Drink, Too Hungry to Eat”

  1. problem chylde Says:

    So much truth in this post. I think it’s wise to let instinct trump common wisdom. There are too many messages out there to settle — take what comes, try something unfamiliar and out of the ordinary. But we have comfort zones for a reason. If something is wildly unfamiliar and instinct tells me to fall back, then maybe it’s wiser for me to step back and learn more about it before diving in headfirst. I think it’s important to learn, especially in romantic contexts, that it’s impossible to take advantage of every available opportunity and to get over that.

  2. Rosey Says:

    EVERYTHING in this blog was spot on! I saw myself in every line. I sounded like my own amen corner!! Thankyou for holding the mirror up:-)

  3. msjboogie Says:

    Great post and words of wisdom! Sometimes we need to just slow our rolls!

  4. kim Says:

    Precisely why I am taking a sabbatical from dating. Jumping out there after a divorce made me realize I just did not know how to act.

  5. Marvelous1908 Says:

    Great post.

  6. PrincessSpicy Says:

    Amen, amen & amen! I need to re-read this. I have fallen fowl of this desert behaviour (too thirsty, looking for an oasis) on too many occasions, and me a fine, educated woman. Real talk!

  7. Tarana Says:

    You already know. Boy I needed to read this REALITY CHECK! I see another movement starting, “You can’t turn a burger into a boyfriend!” HaHa!!

  8. Twitted by OneChele Says:

    […] This post was Twitted by OneChele […]

  9. OneChele Says:

    Let the church say Yea-men! Sometimes when you look at a couple and wonder ‘How did they end up together?’ – someone was thirsty and tired and someone caught them slipping. New Jack variation on “settling” – just don’t do it. Go ahead and get a little snack until the right meal comes along.

  10. Too Thirsty To Drink, Too Hungry To Eat Carolyn a. Edgar « the Ochre Ogre Ogled the Poker Says:

    […] Meanwhile, there you are, all dazed and confused , broken of heart and spirit over a man you wouldn’t even want if your usual standards were in place. Another thing we often fail to do when we’re too hungry or thirsty, …Read More […]

  11. Britni Danielle Says:

    “eventually, you will come to a point where you want to be wanted again.

    That’s when you are the most vulnerable, and need to be the most careful.”

    lawd lawd lawd.

    this is where i’m at NOW. and it sucks, for a whole host of reasons.

    my Beloved is incarcerated and for the last 4, almost 5, years i’ve been holding it DOWN. now…ehhh….ummm….errr….it’s dark and hell is hot. *sigh* this is a good reminder though.

    GREAT post.

  12. Nicci Says:

    This post was the story of my existence. I really felt as if you’ve been watching my recent engagements and decided to pull me for a talk in the back room. It’s so sad when we all know this information and forgo it’s truth when we’re under emotional duress. Thank you for calling me on it, and with such clever insight.

  13. Christelyn Karazin Says:

    MMMM…Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger…that’s just cruel!

    Yummy eats aside, what you speaketh is the truth. I made this mistake while dating, but conversely, I think women also wonder “what’s wrong” when a guy who comes on strong. It’s like, hey dude, why do you like me so much? I just farted!

  14. Brown Babe Says:

    This is the truth!

    Coming off a hiatus following a bad break up, I found myself sliding into the boiling hot pot…I had to give myself a reality check really quickly! No sweetie, this is not love, there is no future here – keep.it.moving!

  15. A Dating Life « Carolyn A. Edgar Says:

    […] relationships a lot, but I rarely talk about my own current dating life, except in generalities. My post about being thirsty, the one that admonished women not to try to turn that temporary lover — the greasy burger […]

  16. A Dating Life | carolynedgar.com Says:

    […] relationships a lot, but I rarely talk about my own current dating life, except in generalities. My post about being thirsty, the one that admonished women not to try to turn that temporary lover — the greasy burger […]

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