Do You Know Your Sleep Number?

Couple relaxing in bed

My Twitter friend @purplepeace79 Twitter-ranted recently about the notion that men view a woman differently if she’s slept with 50 men versus 5 men, and that this causes women to lie about their number.

At a certain point in your life, keeping track of the number of people you’ve had sex with is stupid.  Which is one of many reasons why I no longer do it.

When I was younger, I used to maintain lists naming the men I’d slept with.  It was cute for a while.  Each time I wrote down a name, I’d pause and indulge in a few sweet thoughts about our fun times together.

But then things got complicated.

In the beginning, I wanted to count every new experience.  However, when I left for college, some of those new experiences were being shared with people who were not my boyfriend back home.  That became a problem.  The goal shifted from recording every new sexual or quasi-sexual encounter to keeping as many people off that list as possible. 

Thinking like a lawyer long before I became one, I began questioning which experiences “counted” for purposes of the list.  Did making out with that guy at that fraternity party count?  Did it count if we went back to his room and, someone was, um, serviced?  What if the service was reciprocal?

My answer to all of the above was No.  Except I was stupid enough to write about the encounters in my journal.  My boyfriend read my journal and confronted me about cheating. 

I denied what I’d written.

“What are you going to believe?  What I’m telling you now or some bullshit I wrote in a diary?  And if anyone’s betrayed anyone’s trust here, it’s you!  How dare you read my personal journals and invade my privacy like that!”

It worked.  He bought my story.  The downside?   I stopped keeping journals.

Eventually there were experiences I didn’t care to record, situations I wished not to remember — worse than just the failures and the embarrassments.

Did the guy who date raped me earn a spot on my list?  Did I have to count the guy who lied and told his frat he did when he didn’t?  What about that almost-rape when I was alone on vacation?  Did my own behavior in these situations make them count? 

The list became, as Jo Nubian calls it, my ho tape, that voice that told me I was wrong for having the sex I’d had with the people I’d had it with, and for daring to enjoy any of it.

It also dawned on me that if a boyfriend could pick up a personal journal and read it, he could also come across a random sheet of paper with fiftyeleven dudes’ names on it and guess what it was.

So I found and burned all of the lists.  In time, the distinctions between what did and did not “count” blurred in my mind.  I forgot what wasn’t memorable.  I lost count, not because there were actually fiftyeleven dudes’ names on the list, but because the experiences and what I learned from them came to matter more than numbers. 

When I first met my ex, he wanted to know how many men I’d had before him.  I told him he was ridiculous. “You knew I wasn’t a virgin when you met me.”

He did some fairly sloppy due diligence, and confronted me with stories he’d heard.  Everything had been so mangled in the retelling, I could say with a straight face that none of it was true.  I honestly (and naively) didn’t see what difference it made.  He boasted about his ho exploits, so I told him to get real about mine.

It didn’t quite work that way, of course.  He threw the things he’d heard up in my face, regardless of truth or accuracy.  But the most damaging story was the one I told him: the story about the one that got away.  The one-who-got-away story confirmed what he had long suspected — that I was with him, but I didn’t love him.  

I was faithful for the close to ten years we were together.  No close calls, no judgment calls.  But my ex never stopped looking around the corner for the boogeyman: the man I wanted, who was not the man I had.

I was faithful to my ex, and I stayed celibate for a number of years after my divorce. 

So as far as I’m concerned,  I re-virginalized.  The clicker has been reset. 

I’m still not keeping count, though.  My sleep number is my business.  Each and every one of those experiences – good, bad, tragic, indifferent, and everything in between — made me who I am.  I don’t know the actual count, but I am no longer ashamed of it.   It’s irrelevant.

Besides, if any man asks me “how many” at this point in my life, I’ll assume he wants to make sure his name never gets added to my count.

Advertisements

29 Responses to “Do You Know Your Sleep Number?”

  1. Wise Math Says:

    Peace,

    As I just said to my sister JoNubian on Twitter, the only questions that are of merit to me are “Do you get tested regulary and what is your preffered brand of condom for me to use?”. I don’t care if a woman has slept with 5 or 50, it’s always been moot to inquire about a woman’s sexual history. What does it enhance in my life? What would it add on? I barely remember the trysts I have. It’s just a silly notion to fuss over.

  2. Yvette Marcelle Says:

    I like that term, “re-virginalized”. Celibacy will do that! Do I know my “sleep number”? I most certainly do! Is it important to tell when I start a new relationship? Heck no! I am 49 years old and at this point what I have done up to now in my life are the experiences that have made me who I am. Appreciate that! 😉 Men, although they try to act unemotional and detached, have a tendency to want to know information for the purpose of comparison. I guess you would say that’s their ego. No need to compare to anyone at this stage in the game. I wouldn’t ask a man his “sleep number” either. That information would serve no purpose to me. It’s about the relationship we have and what we may or may not build. Past experiences will be shared on a need to know basis. LOL

  3. allie Says:

    I stopped keeping track a LONG ass time ago. If the guy is too into the number, then he apparently isn’t enough into me, so forget him. Grown ups don’t ask for a number anyway. Your own sexual story can be seen in action in the bedroom and certainly has no relevance being discussed (aside from the “are you disease free? I hope you use a condom with others” conversation).

  4. Nina Lixx Says:

    OMG ! You have just written my life!! I used to write a sentence or two about the guy and the adventure immediately after, to chronicle the events … I kept journals (using Yahoo Notebook cuz it was more private!!) of all all my escapades..in great salacious detail..I enjoyed reliving the good and the naughty experiences and as time went by, I even thought about writing a book ..and might still do so!

    But, yeah…after I hit a certain number (the Century Mark), I stopped keeping count. It wasn’t because I felt shameful or felt I had to explain it to anyone..it was more due to the fact that it didn’t matter to me any more..What was I keeping count for any way?

    But I still like to keep a momento to remember some of the sweetest hook-ups. Some guys are meant to be cherished in the recesses of fond memories, and others are mere footnotes to be forgotten along life’s journey.

  5. Benee Says:

    As my sister @afrodyte said during my rant, “If a man is so bold to ask the question, he better prepare himself for the answer” (or something equally cool as that)

    My experience has been that the men who ask are usually freaknasty and want to know because it is a turn on. I can’t hate on that! lol

    I’ve never had a man ask me for specifics, out of concern that a high number might make me out to be some poster-child of promiscuity. It’s been moreso to get into conversation about sexual preferences, interests, tastes, etc. Those conversations I don’t mind engaging in because I think those are helpful, as sexual compatibility is important.

    But as I ranted, I touched on this double-standard that places men in a position of receiving praise while women are shamed. I reject that and challenge it, in my own way, every time I end up on my back (or knees)! I DARE someone to suggest that my sexual behavior speaks more or less of my character. That information, the number at least, is my business. I don’t feel the need to lie or brag. It really isn’t that serious. All a partner needs to know is that I’m experienced, I enjoy it, I’ve never had an STD, I have a child, and I gets down with mine!

    And since I can’t really remember everyone anyway…

    F**k it!

  6. Tarana Says:

    Ohhh, how I could go on about this.

    My daughter recently all but asked me my “number” and well…I lied.

    We were talking about sex, obviously, and I had the distinct pleasure, a pleasure that I have been waiting to enjoy for about twenty years, of telling her that her dad was my first love and lover. (This could be my next blog post) She immediately asked….who else? Didn’t think about that in 10th grade! Her smart as a whip mind did the math right away seeing as how I am NOT with her dad, she wanted to know who else besides her dad I had been with….to be continued honey.

    …but, anyway I have been ruled by that number for so many years and it has caused me so much anguish and led to some pretty bad decisions along the way. Thanks for posting this

    Great as usual.

  7. OneChele Says:

    Truth is, there comes a certain age where we just stop counting things. Not because the number gets too high but because the quantity isn’t half as important as the quality. Besides, in the relationship game some of those “history” questions should automatically get placed in the don’t ask/ don’t tell folder.

  8. Ande Says:

    Great post. Great comments. Mature men don’t ask questions like this. It doesn’t matter. If you are still comparing yourself to others, no matter how much you are told that you should not compare, then you’ve got issues.

    And my last point, these are the same guys that will then be seen with porn stars. I just don’t get it.

  9. PE Says:

    Ahh I just flashbacked to the moment I stopped keeping a journal – My momma was the offender. Anyway, my sleep number is 1 – as in you’re my first right now. LOL

  10. Mark R Says:

    Very wise, CE, as usual, tho I don’t agree with some things you said. Numbers really don’t matter to me. Perhaps that’s why I was an english major, not a math major. My number, which has not changed in over 30 years, is more than my IQ and less than my credit score.

    But what does matter is the life experience for which the number is merely a symbol. Those experiences — from never, ever want to forget, to grotesquely embarrassing — are my life. We don’t get to delete or re-edit our past, not if we intend to stay true to ourselves. Dumping journals and burning lists may destroy the evidence, but it doesn’t alter the past, and it sounded to me like that was at least partly your motivation.

    As far as the Q&A issue, no man or woman should be asking about someone’s sexual past when they are just beginning to get to know someone. It’s rude and intrusive. And not very classy.

    However, if that person and you are now engaged in an intimate, long term relationship, that’s another matter. If it is a genuinely intimate, long term relationship, the other person wants to share everything with you and wants to know everything about you. That doesn’t mean that you regularly engage in awkward, confessional conversations, but it means that you don’t have any off-limits places betwen each other. And that’s got nothing to do with lists or numbers, but instead a willingness to surrender your secrets to that other person because you trust them unconditionally.

    I really like it when you say: “Each and every one of those experiences – good, bad, tragic, indifferent, and everything in between — made me who I am.” Forget the number, as you have, but keep track of every stop and every step on that journey, and be willing to share it all with the one who has earned that privilege.

  11. karen durant Says:

    The clicker has been reset! Luvs it!

  12. RR Says:

    I think the relevance of one’s sleep number decreases the further one is removed from the marriage market. If marriage isn’t a possibility, then the number is nobody’s business. If marriage is a possibility, “The Number” is incredibly important, especially for young people. There does seem to be a correlation between marital stability and low sleep number.

    Insouciance regarding sexual experience is a particularly bad message to convey to young black women. Are we not currently observing the product of 40+ years of sexual freedom for black women? Is an OOW birth rate of 70% something to brag about?

    • carolynedgar Says:

      First of all, I don’t believe there is an age at which one is removed from the ” marriage market” or that there is a point in life where marriage is no longer a possibility. I do agree the number becomes – or should become – irrelevant at a certain age, perhaps after 40.

      But I disagree with the rest of your comment. Enjoying an active sex life with multiple partners does not and should not disqualify a woman from marriage. Out of wedlock births often are not the result of promiscuity, but irresponsibility. As long as young women are protecting themselves against both STDs and unwanted pregnancies, their “number” is their business.

  13. RR Says:

    Carolyn,

    I agree that, technically, single adults, regardless of age, qualify for the marriage market. Realistically, marriage isn’t an option for most people beyond a certain age. For these people, the number is irrelevant wrt relationships. For those actively seeking to be married, and I’m referring to those between the ages of 20 and 35, “The Number” is of paramount importance. Men who are serious about marriage interpret The Number as an indicator of sexual fidelity. Susan Walsh of hookingupsmart.com mentions this here.

    Having extensive sexual experience will not disqualify a woman from marriage, but it will decrease her likelihood of marrying and will increase the likelihood of divorce if she gets married. The same thing holds for men (especially black men). Men who are inclined to marry often try to obtain a woman’s Number during the vetting process. Quality men seek women with low numbers. This tendency isn’t a vestige of patriarchy. Men seek to minimize the risk of marital disaster through infidelity. Having a wife with a low number is one way to achieve this.

    Promiscuity and irresponsibility are not mutually exclusive behaviors. We blacks are both more promiscuous and more sexually irresponsible than people of other races. That is why our OOW rates, STD rates, abortion rates and divorce rates are high and our marriage rates are low. Casual sex is not good for young black women. The causal sexual culture disadvantages women, especially black women. The BWEers are right about this.

    • Melissa Lynnette Says:

      “Men who are serious about marriage interpret The Number as an indicator of sexual fidelity.”

      *goes home to glory*

      “This tendency isn’t a vestige of patriarchy.”

      How so? Men with high numbers of sexual partners are never subjected to the same discrimination or scorn. I have never, not once, cheated on a boyfriend. I think infidelity is disgusting. That doesn’t mean that when I am single I won’t have sex with more than one man if the urge strikes me. And when I was in college, the urge struck me plenty. And guess what? I still managed to avoid babies and disease and I’m still of a marriageable age. *gasp*

      I have always, ALWAYS thought this whole number shit was ridiculous. Then again, I was raised around white people who didn’t care. Not that all white people are like that, but the ones I grew up with had the mentality that college was supposed to be the “slutty years” and then you got it out of your system and went on about your business, ie – got married, or you didn’t and then you went right on having sex as you pleased. Whatever. Only the black community equates sexual partners with infidelity, but only for women. If that’s not some ol’ male privilege bullshit, then I don’t know what is.

  14. RR Says:

    The above link is broken. Below is the link to Susan Walsh’s essay “The Essential Truth About Female Promiscuity”

    http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2010/08/11/hookinguprealities/the-essential-truth-about-female-promiscuity/

  15. DRC (@NOLAQueenD) Says:

    I agree about not keeping a number. I made the mistake early on of telling an ex my number but then remembered that there were a few more I had forgotten. Well, he took that as one of his many excuses for why he cheated, claiming that I had deceived him. Mind you, this was a man who could be considered nothing short of a straight up WHORE himself.

    Well, I learned from then on out to not even bother getting into numbers, it holds much less significance now than it did in the past. I make it perfectly clear that I will neither disclose my number nor ask a man what his is because honestly, I think it’s a bit irrelevant if you’re trying to make a go at being a serious couple.

  16. mstygerlily Says:

    I LOVE this post. After we watched the movie, “Reality Bites,” @candice202 and I used to keep similar lists. After 7 years, anyone who was trash got removed from the list. Hell, if it worked for credit, why not for peen?

    When I was dating my ex, he found my very detailed list and made me destroy it along with all memorabilia I had saved in my sweetie box. He felt both were an afront to what we were trying to build and thought it meant I too was holding on to those who, errm, came before him.

    Since my divorce, I’ve tried to reconstruct my list, but couldn’t really figure out a reason why. Oddly enough, no one has asked since the ex. It’s almost as if being married nullifies any previous getting it in that I used to get. Before I was married, any time a man has asked about the number of partners I’ve had, it always seems like he’s laying the foundation for a magnificent argument that would inevitably come toppling down on me. At one point, I think I came up with some fictitious yet cute number. Not because I was trying to be dishonest. Not because I wanted to mislead. My number is/was skewed because I honestly don’t remember some. If they aren’t worth remembering, why are they even worth discussing?

    Thanks for writi

  17. MsDiannaT Says:

    I wholeheartedly disagree with RR. I know plently of previously promiscuous married men AND women. I also know more promiscuous men with children than promiscuous women with children. I say all this to say statistics can be misleading. Just because someone has an OOW child doesn’t mean they are irresponsible and promiscuous. A lot of young black people are uneducated about reproductive health and lack the tools to make the right decisions about sex. I don’t think your “number” should matter as long as you’re being safe.

  18. RR Says:

    Melissa Lynette wrote:

    How so? Men with high numbers of sexual partners are never subjected to the same discrimination or scorn.

    Of course not, because men don’t get pregnant. Nonetheless, a marriage minded woman would be well advised to inquire into the Numbers of her potential suitors. Men with high numbers have a tendency to stray.

    I have always, ALWAYS thought this whole number shit was ridiculous.

    Why? Marriage is serious business. If one aspires to have a long-lasting happy marriage, attention to details like a potential mate’s Number is worthwhile. Again, the Number correlates with post-marriage fidelity.

    Only the black community equates sexual partners with infidelity, but only for women.

    This is nonsense. Blacks are the only group that tends NOT make the connection between promiscuity and marital instability, which explains our low marriage rate and our high divorce rate.

    • Melissa Lynnette Says:

      “Of course not, because men don’t get pregnant. Nonetheless, a marriage minded woman would be well advised to inquire into the Numbers of her potential suitors. Men with high numbers have a tendency to stray.”

      Sir, you have proven my point about patriarchy. Men don’t get pregnant. This isn’t about numbers, this is about control. But seeing as how it only takes one sperm to get someone pregnant, I don’t see what promiscuity has to do with this discussion. You are talking about irresponsibility, which can happen no matter how many men a woman is sleeping with. The majority of women I know with OOW children were in relationships with their children’s fathers when they got pregnant. So unless your definition of promiscuity simply includes premarital sex and you are actually looking to marry a virgin, then your stance is one based on a double standard and I still reject it.

      I’m not going to ask a man about his numbers. He’s either going to stray or he isn’t, whether he’s slept with 20 or 200 women before he met me. So long as he doesn’t have any kids or diseases, we’re good.

      “Why? Marriage is serious business. If one aspires to have a long-lasting happy marriage, attention to details like a potential mate’s Number is worthwhile. Again, the Number correlates with post-marriage fidelity.”

      Yes, marriage is serious business. But what does the “detail” of previous sexual partners have to do with a current relationship? Are these previous partners still in the picture? Are they gonna show back up? If so, then yes, that’s a problem. If I’m never gonna see them, if he’s never gonna meet or hear from or encounter the men I’ve been with, then they don’t matter. End of story. The amount of people an individual has sex while they’re single has nothing to do with while they’re in a committed relationship. That just makes no sense.

      “This is nonsense. Blacks are the only group that tends NOT make the connection between promiscuity and marital instability, which explains our low marriage rate and our high divorce rate.”

      No, it isn’t nonsense. It’s bullshit I’ve heard entirely too much from men who want to use slut shaming to their advantage, to cover up their own insecurities and gloss over real problems instead of moving past them. If you are actually promiscuous WHILE you are married, then yes, that will lead to problems. But that’s not what you’re claiming. You’re claiming that people have unstable marriages because in the past they had a lot of sex with a lot of people. And you don’t see how that’s silly. At all.

      • RR Says:

        Melissa Lynnette,

        You seem to be missing the point of my commentary. Promiscuity matters to marriage minded young folk because it increases the likelihood of future infidelity. Men don’t shame sluts in order to control women. Men really like sluts! The more the merrier! Men just don’t want to marry sluts. It is non-promiscuous women who shame sluts because sluts lower the price of sex for all women. The larger the percentage of sluts in a demographic, the lower the price of sex which consequently lowers the marriage rate for the demographic in question.

        Promiscuity and sexual irresponsibility are separate, but the behaviors are often related. Promiscuous people have a tendency to be sexually irresponsible precisely because sex is casual for them. For them, sex is no big deal because the import of the act itself is lost on them, thus they become careless.

        You wrote:

        I’m not going to ask a man about his numbers. He’s either going to stray or he isn’t, whether he’s slept with 20 or 200 women before he met me.

        Life is a question of probabilities. In this case, a fellow who has slept with 200 women is more likely to cheat than a guy who has slept with 20 women. If you are a woman of a certain age and are not interested in marrying then my comments are not relevant for you. Have a blast! I wish you well. But if you are a youngish woman with a remote hope of marrying a quality male one day, you would be well advised to minimize your number and carefully scrutinize your potential mates Number.

        Yes, marriage is serious business. But what does the “detail” of previous sexual partners have to do with a current relationship?

        Supposing you were engaged to a wonderful fellow who happened to let slip that he had slept with about 10 guys during his promiscuous period. Would you be concerned?

        I explained why previous sexual history is important to marriage minded young men. Please read Ms Walsh’s post:

        http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2010/08/11/hookinguprealities/the-essential-truth-about-female-promiscuity

        If you are actually promiscuous WHILE you are married, then yes, that will lead to problems

        Again, you are missing the point. A person who is promiscuous before marriage is more likely than a non-promiscuous person to be unfaithful after marriage:

        http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-bytes/200910/passion-in-hook-culture

        You’re claiming that people have unstable marriages because in the past they had a lot of sex with a lot of people.

        You don’t get men and you don’t get marriage. I am saying that a promiscuous person is more likely to destabilize a marriage because they have been desensitized with respect to sex. They view sex casually and compartmentalize it before they marry. These modes of thinking are hard to undo and are more likely to remain after a formally promiscuous person marries. This mindset makes it easier to cheat.

  19. RR Says:

    DRC wrote:

    I agree about not keeping a number. I made the mistake early on of telling an ex my number

    I think you are missing the point. The idea is to keep your number low enough for you to be proud of. High numbers have a tendency to lower a woman’s value in the eyes of men for perfectly logical evolutionary reasons as outlined in this essay:

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-bytes/200910/passion-in-hook-culture

    Here is a choice snip:

    The current state of our (dating) unions may provide an excellent preparation for sexual diversity, but it is probably not a very good preparation for marriage.

    Consider the 2003 study of over 10,000 women which found that as the number of non-marital sexual partners went up, the probability of marital stability went down. For example, once a woman has had 5 sexual partners, the probability of pulling off an intact marriage dips under 30%; it is under 20% when the number of sexual partners reaches the upper teens.

  20. RR Says:

    Mstygerlily wrote:

    Before I was married, any time a man has asked about the number of partners I’ve had, it always seems like he’s laying the foundation for a magnificent argument that would inevitably come toppling down on me.

    Young men, who are vetting women for marriage, quite naturally are interested in the Number. A low number means a woman is less likely to cheat than a woman with a high number. If marriage is not a consideration, then the number doesn’t matter. If one considers herself still in the marriage market (i.e. if she can still have babies and wants babies) then the number is important. The unwillingness of black people to restrain ourselves is a big reason our OOW, STD and abortion rates are so high and our marriage rates are so low.

  21. RR Says:

    MsDiannaT wrote:

    I know plently of previously promiscuous married men AND women.

    I understand what you are saying. Sure, previously promiscuous people do marry, but how stable are the marriages? What kind of mate does a formerly promiscuous person make? Judging from black marriage statistics, the answer seems to be that pre-marital promiscuous behavior lowers marital stability:

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-bytes/200910/passion-in-hook-culture

  22. RR Says:

    A lot of young black people are uneducated about reproductive health and lack the tools to make the right decisions about sex.

    As I explained to Carolyn, ignorance, irresponsibilty and promiscuity are not mutually exclusive. Black people, both young and old, have a tendency to be ignorant, irresponsible an promiscuous. This is a prescription for disaster. This disaster is manifesting itself in our STD, OOW and abortion rates.

  23. Carolyn Edgar Says:

    Let’s be very clear, RR. You didn’t “explain” anything to me. You stated your opinion. Stats and Psychology Today blog posts may support your opinion, but it remains that – opinion and theory. Your stats fail to account for other well-documented trends:

    1. that more women (and men) of all races are delaying marriage to pursue educational and career goals;
    2. that more women are choosing to remain unmarried, so “men won’t want to marry you if you sleep with too many people” really isn’t a concern for them;
    3. that there is a link between education (or lack thereof), poverty, and out-of-wedlock births.

    It is a gross generalization to state that “black people, both young and old, have a tendency to be ignorant, irresponsible and promiscuous.” That’s ridiculous.

    The truth is, many people are marrying for the first time in their thirties, not their twenties, and the “number” question becomes less relevant with age. It also becomes less relevant for a second or third marriage than for a first. The 20-35 marriage market you speak of is increasingly an outmoded concept.

    STDs, out of wedlock births and abortion rates are best addressed, I believe, not by shaming or scaring women about their sexual appetites, but through better education, access to health care and birth control, and addressing economic inequalities (i.e., jobs). You can moralize all you want, but people are not going to stop having sex. Encouraging people to have less unprotected sex is more likely to find a receptive audience than telling people to stop having sex outside of marriage.

    As for your question, “What kind of mate does a formerly promiscuous person make?”: to borrow a phrase from stock prospectuses: “Past performance is not a guarantee of future results.” A woman who was promiscuous in her twenties will probably make a perfectly fine mate in her thirties or forties. The woman, having gained the life experiences she was seeking, is now ready to settle down. That may not fit your statistical models, but explains the real-life experiences of many happily married people.

  24. Mark Says:

    It’s interesting that this discussion has been revived a year later (how have our lives changed in that year?) and the passionate exchange of perspectives. I cannot help but think back to what I said last year. I think it’s still true.

    “But what does matter is the life experience for which the number is merely a symbol. Those experiences — from never, ever want to forget, to grotesquely embarrassing — are my life. We don’t get to delete or re-edit our past, not if we intend to stay true to ourselves. Dumping journals and burning lists may destroy the evidence, but it doesn’t alter the past.”

    Carolyn, I think you are being disingenuous when you use the line “Past performance is not a guarantee of future results.” Truth is, nothing is a guarantee of anything, but who among us does NOT look at someone’s “past performance” as a useful predictor of future behavior? When you apply to college, they look at your past grades and test scores to try to predict how well you might do at their school. When you apply for a job, the most useful tool for judging candidates is your resume of past experience. And if your resume has few long term engagements and many short term ones, that is not looked upon favorably by any prospective employer.

    I believe that genuine intimacy requires surrender, a willingness to be vulnerable, because intimacy requires trust. If you are not willing to share those secrets which are potentially unflattering, you are not willing to be vulnerable. And you will not achieve real trust or real intimacy.

  25. carolynedgar Says:

    Mark, you are mixing a couple of different things here. Intimacy requires trust, but it doesn’t require providing your partner a full dossier of your sexual past, including what, when, where, who and how. Truth is, as @OneChele said last year, some things do get put in the “don’t ask/don’t tell” folder – especially once you reach a certain age.

    As for the “past performance” comment, as Melissa Lynnette said, “he’s either going to stray or he isn’t, whether he’s slept with 20 or 200 women before he met me.” Same is true for women. Promiscuity isn’t the same as infidelity. Going back to the example I used, just because someone slept with a lot of people in their twenties, doesn’t mean they’re still sleeping around a decade or two later. If they are, that means they’d be a bad partner – but not just because they’re promiscuous. In that case, they’re probably promiscuous because they’re insecure and immature, and immaturity and insecurity are bad qualities in a mate.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: