October Blues

Tomb stones in a graveyard

October is the cruelest month.

This month, I have been on edge, worried, hypersensitive, easily distracted, unfocused, lethargic, unhappy, and depressed.

And we’re only 6 days in.

I could attribute it to a lot of things.  I am generally aware of the contributing factors, including a situation that has occupied too much of my head space as of late.

But the overarching problem is October itself.

October used to be a month of celebrations. My sister’s birthday, my father’s birthday, and then Halloween.

My sister’s birthday is still acknowledged, if not celebrated.  The kids and I do Halloween big every year.  But ever since my father died 18 years ago, his death overshadows the good in October.

October is a month of highs and lows for me.  The highs are stratospheric.  The lows?  Very low.  Today was a low day.  It will get better.  It may even get worse.

But when I looked at my calendar and remembered Octobers past, I understood.

Once, when I was still a young associate at my old firm, I found myself crying at my desk for no apparent reason.  I don’t mean weeping.  I’m talking about full-out sobbing, the kind of crying one can hear through closed doors.  The kind of crying one never wants to do at work because it leads to whispered rumors and speculation.

I had no idea what was going on.  Then saw that the date was the date of my father’s passing.

I got up and went home.

So far this October, I haven’t treated myself to a good, cleansing cry.  I need to. 

Especially because I’ve decided it’s time to let go of distractions so I can refocus on my writing.  And not to sound flippant or uncaring, but at this stage, Daddy’s death is another distraction.

That said, I’ve also learned the importance of allowing myself to feel what I’m feeling.  I no longer try to tell myself how I’m supposed to feel about anything.

Whatever I feel, it’s what I feel, and what I’m supposed to feel.  And I allow myself to feel that way, until I don’t anymore.

It passes.  Good feelings pass.  Bad feelings pass.  Best not to get attached to either.

So October has come, and it will go.  I will feel badly at times this month, and I will feel good at other times. 

Such is life.

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6 Responses to “October Blues”

  1. Tweets that mention October Blues « Carolyn A. Edgar -- Topsy.com Says:

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  2. sawandi Says:

    ….*hugs*

  3. L Martin Johnson Pratt Says:

    Thank you for being honest with yourself and us. I feel better about my feelings some day i will be able to articulate better about October also.

  4. blackgirlinmaine Says:

    October is a rough month in general for many including myself because the change of seasons seems to just bring me down. I am grappling with a deep funk right now…its hard. I know how it is though when you are dealing with death anniversaries, for me that is late February and early March when I have to deal with the anniversary of my Mom’s passing. Its been 6 years out but its hard.

    I do find a good deep cry helps greatly.

  5. NMyChrysalis Says:

    I wish I could just wrap you in a hug while you rid yourself of all that you’re holding within. Cry, throw things, moan, whatever it takes…I know the benefits of all the above, and I pray you find the safe place–physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual–where you can release all you’ve held for so long.

    Since I cannot (that I know of right now) be there, I pray you have someone who can be. And, on the other side, may you always embrace and be embraced by PEACE…

  6. TH O'Connor Says:

    CE: October is the same for me. Sad, depressing, but I do take time through my tears to enjoy the crisp weather, the changing leaves and Halloween. I lost my mom in october 11 years ago, this year I stayed home from work, cried, scared my husband with the tears and now I feel ready to carry on.

    Somtimes it just takes time. Be well.

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